Hey it’s The Q and I’ve taken over Tysgirl’s blog real quick….for one reason and one reason only:

LARGE

We have all missed you!

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*Technically, I realize you’re not home yet (another 13 hour drive still), but at least you’re back on land!

Hi there Tysgirl Readers! I was asked by the lovely and talented host of this blog space to do a guest post in her absence and so I thought I’d write about something that’s been on my mind lately.

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I’ve been bullied a few times in my adolescence. I’m also ashamed to admit that I tried my hand at being a bully once. Only once. That was enough for me, I knew I wasn’t cut out for it. I subsequently apologized to the victim of my teasing & taunting and I think she forgave me, for the most part. She invited me to her birthday parties in the years after that and I just hope that I didn’t cause any long lasting hurt for her.

The bullies who harassed me didn’t cause me any trauma that I carry with me today….well wait. I take that back, yes they did. I have scars. Physical scars, but not emotional ones (thankfully).

My first run in with bullies happened in the 2nd grade. My family had just moved to the area and I was beyond distraught that I had to leave my best friends behind 30 miles away. I didn’t know anyone and I would spend my recess sitting on the bench watching everyone else play. Two girls in another classroom decided that the “new girl” would be fun to pick on. So every recess for a solid month these two little bitches would verbally torment me. If I tried to move from my bench du jour, they’d follow me, mocking me & making fun of the fact that I had no friends. As with most bullying, it eventually ended.

However, there was this one kid. Perhaps there is one in every school? He was pure Evil. Mean through and through. He had been held back three (!!!) times already so that meant he was way bigger than all of us. Everyone knew that his giant of a dad (6′8″) was a mean, angry man. We also knew that his mom was a total alcoholic and you would sometimes find her in the front yard in various states of undress, staggering around watering their dead plants. You could actually hear them fighting inside if you happened to pass by their house at just the right time (which was about 5:45 p.m. every night when the dad got home from work). I can’t say that I felt sorry for the kid, because at that age I didn’t really have empathy, but looking back now I can kinda see why he was so messed up.

For the most part, he left me alone. I had a “reputation” (we were in grammar school, it wasn’t *that* kind of reputation you pervs!!) as being a tomboy and extremely tough. When I was in the 5th grade my brother entered the 1st grade at the same school. I don’t know if “BH” targeted him on purpose because of me or if it was just random. Whatever the case, it was the beginning of his decline (and mine). It’s one thing for *me* to pick on my younger brother, it’s a totally different thing for someone else to pick on him. Once I got wind of the fact that he was pushing my brother around and making him cry, all hell broke lose. Don’t get me wrong, I was scared shitless because this kid was really big and you could just tell that he didn’t have much to lose.

So guess what I did? I played the “Crazy Card” which consisted of one part anger, one part fear and all bluff. My intention wasn’t to do anything during school hours because I didn’t want to get in trouble so my plan was to catch him after school on the way home. I figured that way, if he did beat me to a pulp at least none of my friends would witness it. Guess what happened? I must have told one of my friends who must have told one of their friends who….well you get the picture. EVERYONE knew by the end of the school day and EVERYONE wanted to watch. You have to realize that probably 99% of the school had been a target of this kid at least one time or another. He was feared and hated tremendously. Those that did befriend him only did so to avoid being beat up.

I felt a tremendous amount of pressure on my shoulders as I walked down the hill away from our school. Or perhaps it wasn’t pressure, maybe it was the actual weight of the 30+ kids walking on my heels. As you would expect with a dimwit like “BH” he was found in his usual hangout at the bottom of the hill, just waiting for kids to walk by so he could torment them. I know I was shaking, but I wasn’t about to let him think he had any power over me. So I started in quickly with the verbal assault. I got right up in his face (hello crazy!) and started threatening him in regards to picking on my brother and then I started with the personal attacks on him and his family (hello fear!). I thought if I could make him insecure, then maybe he’d back down. Yah, no such luck. As I backed up and wiped the spittle that had foamed in the corners of my mouth he charged at me, fists clenched & raised.

I was too young to be thinking this, but I know something along the lines of “HolyFuckingShitIamGoingToDie” (but with 5th grade non-swearing language) went through my mind. With one very swift, hard kick to his feet, a right hand punch to his face and a jump sideways on my part, he went flying past me and landed in a giant juniper shrub. His oafishness worked to my benefit. Everyone started laughing and making fun of him as he tried desperately to get out of the tangle of prickly branches. His nose was bleeding and he then he started crying (out of embarrassment I’m guessing). I told him that if he ever touched my brother again that it would be worse the next time and turned and walked off.

Was I afraid of retaliation? Oh hell yes! One thing for sure, I wasn’t expecting the retaliation that I received. About a week later I was walking home from school with some friends and I felt a very sharp *snap* on the back of my calf. I bent down and grabbed my leg and then I heard some laughing. I turned around and standing in the driveway of some other kid we went to school with was “BH” and he was holding a rifle (BB gun). I felt another *snap* on my thigh. The fucker had shot me as I was staring right at him! A lady across the street must have seen what happened because she came running out screeching at him that she had called the police and they were on the way. He took off, understandably.

My Mom was called and came to get me and we gave a statement to the police before heading to the emergency room. They said they were going to go to his house and talk to his parents. I had to get a tetanus shot, which pleased me to no end (having an acute fear of needles & the fact that this one hurt like a mofo was the cherry on top!). To this day, I have to small, circular scars on my calf and my thigh and every time I look at them I think to myself that bullies SUCK!!

For the record, if anyone even thinks about picking on my Niece they are going to have bacon taped to the back of their shirt and I’m going to release the Freaktard.

I’m just sayin’.

(Please note, this post was pre-written and pre-scheduled. I am just a figment of your imagination and will not be responding to any comments until after the 18th of May.)

I’ve died and gone to hump day heaven. Not only does our room attendant make our bed with fresh linens every morning and turn down our bed each night. She also remakes our bed after hot vacation nooners. And, as if that isn’t enough, she leaves a chocolate mint on our pillows as if to reward us for a job well done.

Don’t hate

At 49 cents per minute for internet access, I really can’t afford to do much more than brag about someone straightening out my bed after mid day *ahem* activities.

Oh, and here’s a little eye candy. This is our ship docked in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I’ll catch up with you Peeps when I get back this weekend. Don’t forget to get your hump on.

Peace out

LARGE

Since I’m traipsing around Phillipsburg, St. Maarten today, I’ve arranged for alternative entertainment. Don’t go loving her more than you love me, that is strictly prohibited!

So kids - our girl left me to be the life of the party and I thought I’d share some of the funny shit that’s happened to me in life. Since this is an interactive blog, I encourage you to do the same. After all, if I’m showing you mine…..you should show me yours!

I have to give you some background, cause you know a bitch has to explain stuff:
As most of you have figured out, my mom’s been gone for a little over 7 years. We were best friends my whole life and I miss her every day. (cue the music) My mom and dad got divorced when I was a wee kitten (5) and remarried. Oh joy. My stepfather was about the world’s biggest dick and accordingly, he was drunk and abusive. End of sad dramatic moment (kill the music). He would get drunk and Moms and I would prank him. Ahh, it was great. But, he got us the best one night and dumbass didn’t even know! Ya’ll remember the original Family Feud with Richard Dawson, right? Where he’d come out and kiss all the ladies and at the end he’d do the hand signal for I Love You to the deaf people? Right. Well, the step-dick was ass roaring drunk (8pm on a weeknight) and turns to me (I was 10 maybe?) & moms and slurs out, belligerently “you know what that means, dontcha?”. Of course, first rule of survival is always pretend the drunk is right. Saves you an ass beating. So we look at him and go “uhh, no, whats it mean?”. He slurs “its I love you for the blind”. And my moms goes “huh?” as I’m scooting off the couch, trying to get the jump start before the ref blows the whistle for the Olympic Backhand 2 bitches off a couch event. And he reslurs “its I love you for the blind, don’t you fuckers know anything, always reading and shit”…so my mom and I start giggling…and laughing and before you know it….we’re crying laughing….tears streaming down our faces…screaming “I LOVE YOU FOR THE BLIND”. He completely had no clue. It took us over 2 years (I shit you not) to make him understand it was for DEAF people because BLIND people cant see Richard Dawson on tv, you ignorant fuck!
So whenever he’d get out of line (even as little as 4 years ago), I would look at him and shoot him the hand signal and point to my eyes…and he’d get red as all hell and stomp away.

(Please note, this post was pre-written and pre-scheduled. I am just a figment of your imagination and will not be responding to any comments until after the 18th of May.)

Please keep in mind that through the magic of the internets and the post dating option available through Word Press, by the time you read this both Limpy and I will be long gone on our respective vacations. I must admit, I’m a little relieved sad that we’ll be in Florida at the same time and won’t get to meet up. I’d love to meet Limpy’s wife and shake the hand of the woman that puts up with him on a daily basis. I’d also like to kidnap his adorable children.

And now, here’s a word from our Porn Star…

Tysgirl, probably while drunk, asked me to do a guest post for her while
she was off gallivanting about the Caribbean. So this is it. I have no
earthly idea of what to write, but now I’m on a deadline and what’s more,
have to sprint out the door in 30 minutes to get home for a Little League
game I was sure was going to be canceled. In other words, this post is
going to be pretty much exactly like what I usually write over at my place.

Just so you know, Tysgirl isn’t the only one on vacation this week. We’re
also going on vacation, except that mine includes less drinking, two kids
and a trip to Disney. Can’t fucking wait for that one. On the plus side,
we’ll then go over to the west coast and hang out with some friends, doing
very little other than using their pool, swimming in the ocean, and poking
around in swamps looking for alligators. We’re going earlier than usual
this year so we can hopefully see some bigger ones. Then we’re going to
make the kids go to bed and drink beer outside.

Wow, I’ve never done a guest post before. I don’t know what to say. I
could say how cool Tysgirl is, but you already know that and she’d just say
I was blowing smoke up her ass. So I’m not going to. But I hope she’s
enjoying her vacation and finds that pizza place I told her about in the
Keys.

This would be longer but I have to go coach Little League and scream “swing
the bat Alice!!!” at little kids. So so long for now.

THIS SPACE FOR RENT

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You know those incredibly annoying people who brag about getting to do something really cool while you’re stuck at work busting your hump?

Well, today I’m that girl.

Assuming we didn’t die in fiery car wreck between Knoxville and Miami, today is the day we set sail for the Caribbean. Before you hate on me too much, I promise I will drink at least five one fruity rum drink for each of you. And, and if I have your snail mail address, you’ll be getting a post card. See? Now don’t you feel better about the fact that I’m cruising the Caribbean seas and you’re stuck at work?!?! Come on, you know ya do.

Be sure to check back daily as I have a little something planned for each day that I’m gone. Pffft, and here you thought you were going to get a break from my pointless drivel. Lucky for you, not only do I plan on haunting you from the Caribbean, I’ve also arranged for some guest posts from fellow bloggers to keep you entertained. How’s that for dedicated? I hope ya’ll have a great week. Keep in mind that while I have been rather cocky about the fact that I’m boarding a ship today and you’re stuck at work, believe me when I say that I would give Ty’s left nut to have my blog peeps island hopping with me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go about the business of enjoying 7 days of fruity Rum drinks, 24/hr buffets, hot & kinky vacation sex and endless photo ops. And because I know at least one of you perverts is going to ask, I will not be combining hot and kinky sex with photoing.

(Please note, this post was pre-written and pre-scheduled. I am just a figment of your imagination and will not be responding to any comments until after the 18th of May.)

Well Peeps, as soon as Ty gets home from dropping the dogs off at boarding we’re hitting the road for Miami. Be good while I’m gone, play nice.

Be sure to check back, I’ve arranged for a few guest bloggers to entertain you while I’m gone.

Peace Out

Maintaining a proper blood alcohol level while on vacation is crucial, this might help…

Yes, I know this post is lame but I can’t help it, my brain left for Miami 2 days ago.

…at least my blog is well rounded